Sunday, March 28, 2010

Zowie!

Ding Bat Enterprises is proud to announce it has been licensed to offer a line of exciting new products and services for those Christian Scientists adrift on a stormy sea of fear, doubt, problems galore, and lethargy.

o Three health care plans (probably not covered by the Pelosi/Reid/Obama monstrosity).
1) The Frugal Single. Covers either Christian Science treatment OR medical care.
2) The Big Double. Covers both medical care AND Christian Science treatment.
3) The Triple Threat. (Especially recommended for super-cautious types who wear galluses, a belt, and an elasticized waistband.) Includes The Big Double plus another service of your choice, such as acupuncture, yoga, shamanism, voodoo, etc.

o The new volte-face, cleaner-than-a-hound's-tooth C.S. Journal which essays to reclaim at least some of its lost virginity. [A tough job when the offspring of past indiscretions prowl the hallways.]

o The smashing new C.S. Sentinel with juiced-up flummery so smooth and creamy you won't know (or care) it isn't the real thing.

o All the writings of Mary Baker Eddy offered in editions with copious medical information in appendices and which also include dozens of coupons for your favorite OTC drugs. Science and Health will also contain a spectacular, full-color foldout of the human anatomy with all the relevant parts labled so you can clearly [and more indelibly] tell someone what it is that hurts. No boo-boo is too insignificant to create a fuss over. Truly, the complete one-volume guide to health care.

o A new book: "An Astrological Guide to Health Care". Tells the reader how to use his daily horoscope to get the biggest bang for his C.S. treatment and medical care sawbucks. "When the planets are aligned, the best solution will you find."

Don't be a mooncalf. Sign up today, and while you're at it show your love for a laggard by giving him or her a freebie of our services.

Note: To Anonymous, no I haven't written a book. At best I'm probably a sprinter. Jane Welsh (Did I misspell her last name in that entry?) was a Scottish lady who married Thomas Carlyle. She may have gotten a bum rap when she was said to be something of a termagent. She is also said to be one of the best letter writers in the English language, to give her her due. "Hatlo's Inferno" was a favorite Sunday cartoon I remember from my youth when there was a separate color (no less) comic section in the Sunday paper. "Hatlo's Inferno" was a largish one-frame cartoon which meted out appropriate, but humorous, weekly torments to the types mentioned in the blog entry. Like "Major Hoople" and many others, I miss it.

27 comments:

Sunny California said...

This is really good. I'm still laughing. What a read!

Anonymous said...

Zowie! is right. You have one savage wit I tell you.

Stephen said...

I'm laughing so hard over this I just can't stand it. You are something else, blogger.

Close to Boston said...

You're the best CS satire writer around (if there's another one out here somewhere.)

Midwest somewhere said...

You're a funny guy. What a delight this was to read. Must tell some people to tune in.

L.R. said...

Well done and hilarous to boot. Only hope those in Boston in high places get to read this. Wouldn't surprise me if someone tells them about your latest.

Anonymous said...

You are something else, blogger. I really laughed my sides off at this one.

Anonymous said...

Dear Blogger,
Wanted to add something to an earlier comment I made, and can't find the original. Is something wrong with your website? You may need to check it.

Anonymous said...

Hi there,
Just checked to see how my remarks came out and they didn't show up. (?)

Susan said...

You're the best around.

Impressed said...

An outstanding entry. I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do.

Love it! said...

This is vintage Broken Net. Reminds me of what I was reading here when you were really taking on the wrongdoing in Boston, especially Trammell.

Oxford said...

This is a riot. Still laughing at the priceless bits in this essay. If you haven't hit the nail on the head where officialdom is concerned. Thank you for doing!

Memphis, TN said...

As someone else has said, zowie is right. The Broken Net is a breath of fresh air to me, and I know, to so many readers in cyberspace.

Greetings from Switzerland said...

Dear Christian,
And you are a faithful one I can see from reading your essays. I salute you for taking a stand on behalf of our Cause, and I shall be reading more of your material.

Continuing fan said...

What a marvelous website you have it. I really enjoyed reading this one, from Ding Bat Enterprises all the way through.
Give us more like this.

E. W. said...

Very good, blogger. Was interested in your remark about being a sprinter instead of having written a book. What did you mean by that?

Los Angeles said...

I'm not sure which segment I laughed at most. There are so many choice parts. What talent you do have, Christian!

Anonymous said...

You're a hoot. I think you do satire (is this the right word for what you do?) best of all.

Church Center employee said...

What fun to read your blog, blogger. I can't stop chuckling over the part where "past indiscretions are prowling the hallways"!
He-he-he.

Ned (CA) said...

Our Cause is blessed to have someone like you thinking about issues and courageously writing about what's still wrong with it.
And God bless you and your website.

Anonymous said...

You are one wonderful writer. And to think you use your talent in behalf of Christian Science.
God bless your giving,

Anonymous said...

從人生中拿走友誼,猶如從生活中移走陽光........................................

LowlyWise said...

Somebody in Boston will probably come after you with a shillelagh for this, as it hits a little too close to home. I'm glad somebody remembers Hatlo and Major Hoople. Jimmy "They'll Do It Every Time" Hatlo had a character named Rotunda. My ex and I gave her a partner, Lardello and for several years improvised a running opera featuring these two. As Major Hoople would say, Fap.

Wisconsin CS said...

You are just saying what many of us are thinking, about Boston especially. More than the officials would like to know, actually. They are not fooling you,nor me, nor a lot of us. They are trying to do better, but why not come right out and keep to the standards our Leader left us?!!!

Practitioner - New England said...

To Wisconsin:
I'll tell you why not--they love worldly titles, glory and personal prestige more than they love Christ and Christian Science. There you have it. "He who leaves all for Christ forsakes popularity and gains Christianity." Mary Baker Eddy The Board should try following their Leader.

Lafayette, LA said...

It's certainly clear to me that God is behind this website, and is causing it reach far and wide. You are doing a great service to our Cause, and I thank you.