o Now directly to your cell phone, e-mail, or Blackberry! Does reading the full-text Bible lesson take far too much of your precious time and the fun out of life? Have Twitter-sized snippets from the week's lesson sent directly to you for noshing on at convenient moments. You'll never again be without these uplifting thoughts for the week. Also available are your daily Christian Science inspired horoscopes and eriscopes. Note that the eriscopes will only be sent to those 18 and older. For details see the Church web site.
o Does the nuisance of getting all gussied up and wasting time and gas driving to church twice a week get your goat? Subscribe to inspiring DVD highlights from the previous month's MC Sunday services and Wednesday meetings. A month's excerpts will conveniently fit on one 60-minute disc, so no service will take more than a seven or eight minute bite out of your hectic schedule. Don't let ho-hum church services play havoc with your life. See the Church web site for details.
o Don't we all want quick and undemanding relief from our problems? Sign up for Pick-a-Prayer on our web site. Type in your problem and several thoughtful, personalized prayers will instantly appear. Just pick the one or ones you like. This service is also available to those who are under medical care or who are taking medicine, but who still feel the need of a belt to back up their galluses. See the Church web site for further details.
o Become inspired as you never thought you could be! Order a two DVD set of excerpts from the Gill bio of MBE, read with loving care and verve by members of the Church BOD. "Believe me, we had to fight over the limited recording time available", said one board member. See the Church web site for the exciting details.
o Tired of lugging around and wrestling with the Bible and writings of MBE? All the essential bits from the Bible and writings of MBE are now available in one small, easy-to-read volume which fits comfortably and inobtrusively in a shirt pocket. Saves valuable space on your desk or book shelf as well. See the Church web site for details.
o Does the thought of trying to stay awake through another lecture give you the fantods? Powerful excerpts from six lectures are now available on 70-minute DVD's. Imagine the easy uplift that will be yours as you sit and enjoy these lectures in the jammied and bunny-slippered comfort of your own home. These discs could also be sent to other churches in your area, and packs of 50 discs are available for handing out to your church's visitors. See the Church website for details. Selected complete lectures may also be available at no charge for the cost of shipping and handling.
o Why endure the drudgery of applying separately for membership in the MC (if you are not a member already), Journal listing as a practitioner, and to receive Normal instruction which qualifies you to become an official teacher yourself? We now have the new Insta-Pro Application Package that makes possible applying for all three in one easy step, and no mentor is required. Wow! The recommended/required donations for Journal listing and Normal instruction are noted on the form, which can be completed on-line or via hard-copy. See our Church web site for details. Why delay for one more day this important and potentially lucrative step? For a special, generous surcharge this process can be greatly expedited. Also note that for your protection it will be necessary to sign a statement of unquestioning fealty to the BOD.
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23 comments:
Sad, but oh so funny.
How do you come up with such hilarious, original blogging? We certainly do need you pointing out the lowered standards of the great Cause our Leader left us. Keep up your God-inspired giving!
Excellent, excellent. And oh so funny. Not only this, but your posting has meat on its bones. A lot to think about, not just fluff.
Say it, brother or sister!
"See the Church web site for details."
I LAUGHED so hard I was crying ..
I need a new set of markers and thought it would be convenient to order some ... maybe I missed something but checked every dang product in the spirituality dot come online store and couldn't find even one set of markers available ... Don't see Church web site for details ... lol
I know what you mean, previous commenter. I'm still laughing. Absolutely wonderful talent and wit. The best CS writing going on today.
Yes, so funny ROTFLMAO! But Blogger why stop with TMC? Branches should now be ready to consider an idea I was almost tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail for about twenty years ago: "Special" memberships for those who can't reconcile church membership with their favorite passtimes: A "Skier" membership that would excuse the member from attending any services or meetings during ski season. A "Golf" membership which would excuse a member during golf season. I myself would favor a "Sailing" membership so I could enjoy sailing season without guilt. I'm sure there are any number of other special memberships such as camping, soccer, baseball, fooball, or tennis which would allow these individuals to join a branch church guilt free. Think of the appeal and the boost this would be to branch church membership!!!
It seems sort of ironic that the blogger is getting the advantage of getting his/her thoughts and opinions out to a broader audience using the newest technology of the internet and computers while chastising the church for doing the same.
You have the most delicious sense of humor. I couldn't help myself, laughed right out loud. I just know you live in the Northeast, and are a college professor, of English probably, or a sharp attorney. Not that there aren't bright people elsewhere.
Love it, love it!
I just LOVE the fact that the POSSESSED always come back to the same self-evidently rediculous argument, that those of us who are saying that the emperor has no clothes are just people who are afraid of technology. Listen, don't use that, "We're just using the latest technology to get our message out" line of bs again. None of us object to using the latest technology. If you get off your i-pod and open a bound volume once in a while you will see that your "new" idea of "using the latest technology" isn't new at all. This church has been on TV since 1955. We've been on radio since the early 30's. No one objected to that, because when we went on the air, we did it to deliver genuine, unadulterated Christian Science, and if you would stop worshiping the god of matter and material THINGS, you would see that we are not criticing your precious blackberry, we're criticing the content of what's being produced for it. Yes this blog is an example of the fact that just because a medium is new doesn't mean you can't tell the Truth with it. Really, you should check out the old bound volumes sometime for some examples of UNADULTERATED Christian Science "ideas" or "thoughts," and while you're at it, look at the news sections to see what this church did in the past (the news sections were usually called "Church in Action"). You will discover that, in fact, we have always used the latest technology, but we used to use it to promote and extend the religion of Christian Science as taught by Mrs. Eddy.
A simply marvelous website. Don't know how you come up with such original, witty blog posts, but keep them coming. We need you!
Love and thanks,
Out of this world! You are a treasure for sure. Could pick up on some mean things in your entry, but the very last paragraph says it all: they are after moolah, and they want unquestioning obedience--right or wrong.
You are doing a great service, I'm sure you know.
Good for you for mentioning those abominable horoscopes and eriscopes. No flies on you. As yet, I'm not aware that Trammell has replied to the furor over that Planet Waves business back in the fall. Shame, shame. But we have you alert and blogging.
I just can't stop laughing over one part of this blog post especially--the thought of sitting through one more lecture being enough to give us the fantods! Had to look that up, I'll admit. But you are entertaining!
So witty, so well done, cannot express enough appreciation to you, blogger. And someday, reveal yourself to us, why don't you? You need credit for your amazing talent, in my opinion.
I work in Boston and for obvious reasons will not give my name. But I can tell you, blogger, that what you are doing in the clever, skillful way you are pointing out wrongs is reaching the upper reaches. And this in a way that some other groups, like the "Conscience" mailings did not.
Just thought you'd like to know this.
It's clear to me that God has been behind your blogging and is causing it to have such a readership around the world.
God continue blessing your efforts on behalf of our great Cause!
I wouldn't miss your blog for the world. So side-splittingly funny. And you make solid points on top of it.
Thanks a heap.
Happy Easter to you, dear blogger.
You are doing a wonderful job, and you have my love and support.
(This is hilarious, by the way!)
And Happy Easter from another satisfied reader of your blog. Such talent, my goodness.
All the best,
Boy, do I enjoy reading your blog. It is something else. Nothing like it out here. In comparison, other CS blogs downright dull.
Keep 'em coming...
I don't think you can top this one, but you probably will, given your tremendous skill at presenting issues in a humourous light. I am going to stay tuned.
Thanks for all you are doing,
From _Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures_ by Mary Baker Eddy, page 192, "Whatever holds human thought in line with unselfed love receives directly the divine power."
From _Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures_ by Mary Baker Eddy, page 6, "It is believed by many that a certain magistrate, who lived in the time of Jesus, left this record: "His rebuke is fearful."
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